sports gremlin

sports gremlin

A lot of people blame LA for a lot of things (being late, being a pot head, still being a waitress) but today, I’m choosing to not pass the buck on to the City of Angels but instead take this time to apologize to Los Angeles for something that is my fault. What is that, you ask? The sudden demise of their sports teams.

Some folks are superstitious and others would be willing to chase a black cat under a ladder to prove that they’re not. When it comes to sports, I’m somewhere in between. I don’t think that I can change the way a quarterback is playing based on what chair I’m sitting in or how often I wash my socks, but in the ninth inning, I’ve been known to rock a rally cap.

I moved to Los Angeles from Ohio two years ago. I left behind a Cleveland Indians team that had spent the better part of a decade fighting tooth and nail to stay out of last place. Lest we forget, they were fighting that fight – against the ROYALS. A team that everyone chooses to play against in video games because they know it’ll be easy.

I was excited to move to Los Angeles and be able to root for the Dodgers. A team that, when I moved, was enjoying their second Division Title in a row. Finally, something worth cheering for.

Fast forward to the present. The Cleveland Indians are the number one team in their division and one of the best teams in ALL OF BASEBALL. Where are the Dodgers? The Dodgers are in a catfight with the Padres for last place. The Padres, of course, being the only team that invites the Royals to its birthday party.

What’s more? While Ohioans dance around and belt out their Chief Wahoo war cries, the sports gods decided that last place wasn’t bad enough for a “Crabtree infested city.” Now, to top it all off, the Dodgers have ownership issues.

It would seem that the three Greek fates – those angry bitches – decided that the curse of the ‘Crab-ino’ should no longer be confined to on-field statistics. It was announced a few months ago that the owners of the Dodgers were getting a divorce. Well damn. Why do I care? Because the Dodgers, a professional sports organization beloved by countless fans, is one of the assets being bickered over in divorce court.

Not only are the boys in blue battling to stay out of last but they’re being lumped in with fine china and old family heirlooms in McCourt’s divorce settlement. I would find this moderately amusing if it were broadcast and overseen by Judge Joe Brown, but it’s not. So I’ll remain grumpy.

And of course, all of this divorce hubabaloo has caused the entire team to go bankrupt. Yes. Bankrupt. Somehow, a team with six World Series titles and countless Hall of Famers in a multi-million dollar industry has managed to go bankrupt. Apparently, the tag team of $11 beers and $20 parking just wasn’t enough.

Baseball’s not the only thing that has felt the poisonous wrath of my presence here. The football world has taken quite a hit as well. LA doesn’t have a professional football team [and as long as I’m here, that’s not likely to change] but they do have one of the top college programs in the country.

Well. They did. The seven years leading up to my arrival, USC had won seven straight division titles and finished in the top four of all teams in the country. In 2009, my first football season as an Angeleno, they finished 9-4 and twentieth overall.  After which, legendary coach Pete Carroll took off for greener pastures.

But don’t worry, he wouldn’t be gone forever. The very next year, Carroll was thrown in front of an NCAA panel where he was accused and charged with sanctions that left the Trojans with a two year bowl ban, an elimination of scholarships and forfeiture of wins from two different previous seasons.


My abilities as a sports gremlin have now developed Marty McFly like tendencies and have managed to ruin and torch seasons that have already happened. That’s impressive.

Now, I admit, I’m not exactly broken about the damage I may have incidentally caused Trojan football program. I’m not a fan. One of the only Ohio teams that I’ve continued to follow is the Ohio State Buckeyes. And nothing bad has happened to.

Wait. Just this year the Sweater Vest King – Jim Tressel – stepped down as head coach of the Bucks because of similar and equally crippling NCAA allegations that he claimed to know nothing about. Even from a distance, the sting can be felt.

With this in mind, we can blame LA for traffic, we can blame it for smog and we can blame it for not having a Waffle House – but don’t blame it for it’s athletic short comings. That one’s on me.

Oh, and if you want to win big money on your fantasy league, make sure to cross reference with my team. My starting quarterback has had a season ending injury for five years straight.

GO [insert doomed team here]! IT’S OUR YEAR!

- dc

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